Gremlin Grill

"Where's my Cheez-Its?" Sara asked.
"I thought you said, 'Jesus.'" I answered.
"No, Cheez-Its. I need a box of Cheez-Its, not a box of Jesus."
"Does Jesus come in a box?"
"Not that I know of. But I like Cheez-Its."

So that got me to wondering: is there something profound I can write about "Cheez-It" sounding kind of like "Jesus"? The answer is no, not really. I suppose I could say something about cheesy-flavored communion wafers or "WWJE" (what would Jesus eat?), or make a Buddha/saltine joke, but it's all been done. Again and again and again. All the messiah/snack cracker jokes have been done, so just keep moving.

The American Royal Barbecue is this weekend. We'll set up at 10 or 11 am Friday morning, light some fires, tap some kegs and stand in a parking lot for about 29 hours. We'll cook all day and all night, grilling and smoking anything that sounds good, from grilled chicken soup to smoked stuffed jalapenos to peaches. For the judges, we'll cook pork shoulder, baby back ribs, brisket, chicken and sausage. We're also entering potato, vegetable and beans categories.

And we won't win a damn thing.

But we'll not only commit what I'm told is the fifth deadly sin - gluttony ­ we'll embrace it. We'll celebrate it. Because of the seven sins Pope Gregory the Great crapped out in the 6th century, gluttony is the most delicious.

Actually, Pope Greg the would have to approve of the feast. He defined gluttony as eating too soon, too delicately, too expensively, too greedily and too much.

We're not eating too soon- we're eating as soon as we get there. And maybe some the night before, but none too soon.

There's nothing delicate about eating at the American Royal Barbecue. Delicate? Vicious is more like it.

If it was too expensive, we wouldn't do it. Duh. This is elementary economics. Until we stop doing it because of the money, it is not, by definition, too expensive.

Greedy? We give away gobs of food, including a pan or two to Harvesters, which they take to KC shelters. Nope. Not greedy.

Too much? Ok, I'll give him that one. We sometimes eat too much. Sometimes we drink too much, too. But we do this because our good friends at the Barry Road HyVee give us meats second to none, and we slow smoke it for hours and hours on our own smoker and on a .38 Special from Smith & Wesson Grills. For fun, some of the cuts will be seared with branding irons from Sports Brand branding irons. And we have to wash that good stuff down with the finest beer Miller brews, provided by the fine folks at High Life Sales.

So, while HyVee SportsBrand Gremlin Grill, with the kind support of Smith & Wesson and High Life Sales, won't take the checkered flag this weekend, we have a good car and a great crew and we're going to make a run at it.

And if you think it's easy to go from the chip aisle to the American Royal Barbecue a 6th century pope to covering our sponsors in Nascar style, well, get your own box.