Gremlin Grill

Had we not entered the Excelsior Springs, Missouri barbecue contest, sponsored by American Italian Pasta , I wouldn’t have had to eat all that pasta. That’s right – it wasn’t the barbecue that fattened me up. It was the pasta. With your entry fee at Excelsior, they give you a few bags of pasta. You have to cook some for the pasta category of the contest, but the rest of it, we just ate. Some of the stuff they make is better without sauce. You pay a price when you compete, people. For the team, you sometimes have to eat several pounds of really good pasta. And sauce. And the grilled crab cakes were pretty good. The Chili Cheese Fritos are always good. Mmmm…Fritos…

None of that would have been a problem if the contest didn’t come so close to the start of the college football season. But combine those delicious extras with the usual beer and barbecue, and I had a few extra pounds on me when the season started. Plus, you know, no exercise. Ever.

But that’s not the only reason I’ll miss the Heisman again this year. A dream was realized this summer when our favorite Hy-Vee food store started carrying Sterzings Potato Chips . After hoping against hope for years that they’d make it to Kansas City, they suddenly appeared. There’s always hope, friends. Having invested so much time hoping for potato chips, I was duty-bound to eat a couple bags per week. Big bags. Not little grab bags or vending machine bags, I’m talking potato sack sized bags. Had Sterzing’s not found a place on the shelves at Hy-Vee, I might still be in the running for the Heisman.

Then there’s the bbq contest out in Blue Springs, Missouri. It hurts to think about it. Three cases of Labatt Blue, 12 cans of Guinness, a six-pack of Lowenbrau and a six pack of Smirnoff Ice is a tough game for three people and a few guests. Throw in those little smokies wrapped in bacon that Kent made, plus some bacon just for the sake of having bacon, and, well, you’re asking a lot. We fought a good fight, but went home fat and defeated.

Next came the American Royal. We’ve been over that. Too much good food, too little good brisket. Too little chicken altogether (more on the chicken later). By the time the Royal was over, I was pretty sure my chances at the Heisman were over. We topped the weekend off with Minsky’s and steak sandwiches at the Chiefs tailgate party. I should have gone on the injured reserve, but I played on.

The race put me over the edge. We cooked for Jay Robinson Racing and the team of the #49 Advil Liqui-Gels Ford driven by Steve Grissom in the NASCAR Busch Series race at the Kansas Speedway. We ate ribs, pork, brisket, beans, cheezy potatoes (cheezy with a ‘z’), cukes and onions, chips, cookies, and some lovely Miller High Life Lights. Had an amazing time with a great group of people, and felt my Heisman chances get loose in turn two before losing it in turn three. And now I’ve mixed two sports and I’m confused.

The argument could be made that I’m not actually eligible for the Heisman anyway; that I’m not even in college, let alone a football player. But I still think I had a chance. There’s always a chance. But I won’t win this year. How do I cope with missing the Heisman Trophy for the 40th season in a row? Go back in to training, with an eye on the Nobel Prize for Meat Loaf.