“Chicken flyin’ everywhere around the plane, could we ever feel much finer?�
I’m gonna tell you why I don’t like airline food. It isn’t the quality that bothers me. The food sucks, every comedian has told us that, move on. I don’t like airline food because they seem to be making an effort. Stop it.
Air France, the airline that’ll get you where you’re goin’ so quickly that you arrive days before your luggage, make an effort. And I think they have to: they’re French. On the flight from Dulles (sucks) to de Gaulle (sucks), they gave us the cute little menu, all professional-looking, au Francais and English, in pretty fonts and colors, and a wine list with wineries and vintages and logos, and the brand of brie and a lovely description of the chicken dish (I didn’t get it so I don’t remember it) and the cheese ravioli in a sauce of sun-dried tomatoes and black olives. It was a menu that Lebeau would proudly have served Colonels Hogan and Klink.
Well, it sucked. I didn’t expect it to be real good, but with all the effort they went to, I expected more. They should skip the effort so that no one is disappointed. Is anyone ever disappointed with the chocolate cookies they bake up on Midwest flights? No. They’re not like Mom made, but no one expects them to be. No one gets to lick the bowl or steal chocolate chips off of the counter, so you don’t get all worked up for Mom’s cookies. They’re cookies baked on an airplane. And they’re actually kind of good. They’re a wonderful distraction from the asshole in front of you who insists on putting her seat back as far as it will go, even if she can feel your breath on her forehead.
So what I’m saying, Air France and everyone else, is don’t try. Don’t make us think we’re going to get a great meal. Serve up microwaveable frozen ravioli and tell us, “tonight’s meal is a choice of microwaveable frozen ravioli or microwaveable frozen chicken and noodles. Neither is really all that good, but you’re on an airplane. Get over it.� No one would be disappointed. Hell, give me a damned Hot Pocket and I’ll be happy. Just don’t get my hopes up.