Gremlin Grill

See, with the steak digesting nicely into the uric acids my gout doth crave, I watched The Barbecue Championship Series (presented by Kingsford) on Versus. That’s Versus, not to be confused with OLN, which it turns out wasn’t a great idea for a network, at least not in America. We like it outside, but Outdoor Life Network suggests actual activity. That’s just not us. If it can be done in a lawn chair with a cooler of beer, then count us in. If it can’t be done without a sherpa, then…well, bring us back some ice, would ya?

Anyway, I watched the show and enjoyed it. It was the Myron Mixon versus (good name for a network) Jack McDavid versus Sara Horowitz. My first thought was mmmm…pork. Well, no, that’s a lie. My first thought was that Horowitz looks better now than she did when she was letting Gordon Ramsey abuse her all over Hell’s Kitchen. And my second thought was Jack McDavid trash talks too much, but damn, that guy knows what he’s doing. My third thought was hey - cool injector, Mixon. My fifth thought was how did I burn that damn steak? My sixth thought was this wine’s OK, but I shoulda had a beer. My seventh thought was I should pee next commercial.

Finally, I thought mmmm…pork. The three contestants smoked nice picnic cuts. After the pork, they did venison tenderloin. Yum. Slice it into nice medallions and sauté it rare in butter and olive oil with some light garlicy something or other, that’s what I’d do. But maybe not, because that wouldn’t be barbecue. It wouldn’t be low and slow over wood – that’s what barbecue is.

So I watched the show, and only McDavid smoked the venison a little bit. But no one barbecued it. No one barbecued the crab they had to kill and cook, either. Which might be for the best, because smoked crab sounds like a waste of good crab. But what the hell do I know about it? The only crabs in Kansas City are…yeah, you know where this is going.

Near as I can tell, the Barbecue Championship Series presented by Kingsford on Versus isn’t a barbecue championship, it’s an outdoor cooking championship. In fact, Horowitz won not because of her barbecue skills, but because of her chef skills. That’s fine, I enjoyed watching it, and will watch the entire series. But let’s be honest. It’s not a barbecue contest. It’s Iron Chef outside, sans Morimoto, sans miso, sans trout ice cream, sans low, sans slow.