Human Supernova
I don’t care if over a billion people use them every day.
I don’t care if they’re thousands of years old.
I don’t care if the materials to make them are easily renewable and biodegradable.
I don’t care about cultures or traditions.
The truth isn’t always popular, but it’s the truth: when compared with standard silverware, chopsticks are ridiculous.
This dawned on me at Tasty Thai a few weeks ago. It’s still the best Thai food in KC, by the way. I’ve been to the other places. Trust me. Tasty Thai is better. I had Thai red curry for the first time – holy crap, it’s good. Cosmically rich. I want some now. Sara got Pad Thai. I was picking the green onions off of her plate with chopsticks, and it struck me: these things are stupid.
I can use chopsticks. I’m not great at it. My chopstick skills aren’t as polished as, say, Ralph Machio. I can’t catch a fly with chopsticks. But I don’t want to: I’m eating off of them. Yuck. And Daniel-san learned from Arnold, who taught the Fonz how to make sushi, so he should be better than I am. And I’ve used one pop-culture reference too many, so let’s move on.
Hold still, Potsie.
I’m good enough with chopsticks to pick the onions out of Sara’s Pad Thai. That sounds kind of dirty, doesn’t it? Heh heh. Focus! Focus! I can use chopsticks, I just can’t think of a reason why. A fork is better. It’s easier. More efficient.
Liz Phair did a song called Chopsticks. It’s kind of dirty. I like it. And she went to New Trier High (Class of ’85). New Trier helped get us into the state football playoffs in ’82, and we won it all. Following that thread, I like football, New Trier, and dirty songs, and I love Liz Phair. She’s dreamy. And a smart ass. I love a dreamy smart ass. Sara's a dreamy smart ass. But I don’t like chopsticks.
"Go Leafs!"
It’s not known for sure, but it's a fairly safe bet chopsticks were invented in China. It fits, plus they'd have an excuse. The Chinese were so busy coming up with ideas like gunpowder and the compass and paper and ice cream that they didn't have time to come up with a better way to pick up their food.
But wait! Did they eat the ice cream with chopsticks? No, they had those big ass spoons. So why could they not look at the big ass soup spoon sitting next to the rice bowl and think, “I can pick up more rice with that spoon than I can with these stupid sticks.”
And I’ve never heard anyone say, “that steak is so tender you can cut it with a chopstick.” Forks are better than chopsticks. And I was going to get into other cultures just forgoing a utensil completely and eating with their hands. That’s just lazy, there. But I’ve again lost focus and need to look for pictures of Liz Phair’s Pad Thai.