Gremlin Grill

Blue Springs went well. Just thooper. We took 10th in Chicken, 15th in Ribs, (here’s where it goes downhill) 37th in Pork, and 40th in Brisket. As butt-ugly as those last two scores were, we still took 14th overall, out of 81 teams. That doesn’t suck. The pork sucked. The brisket sucked. Our overall rank didn’t suck.

Then there’s Pleasant Valley. Not tho thooper. We took 4th in Chicken, 17th in Ribs, 20th in Pork, and 22nd in brisket: dead ass last. Overall, we finished 19th out of 22 teams. We sucked. Well, obviously the chicken didn’t suck. The only time chicken sucks is when Kent has a hangover. And he’s gotten so good at chicken that even hangovers don’t affect it much. The true measure of how well you’ve mastered a barbecue category is how well you can do it when you have a blistering, drooling, why-did-I-do-this-again hangover.

The Beckners are thinking, "Well, it doesn't suck."
Sara's thinking, "If I choke down this crap, I'm going to Sheridan's."

So Blue Springs was great, Pleasant Valley sucked. No, I take that back. The contests were both great. Blue Springs always is, and Pleasant Valley was a wonderful little competition. It reminded me of the old days out in Waverly and Slater, Missouri. Like those classics, PV is a small contest, set in a park, relaxing and quiet. And the purse at Pleasant Valley is big enough to be worth the effort, yet not so big that it brings out the big britches crowd. You know, the ones who live in a fantasy world where they deserve the cash and butt kissing usually reserved for prima donna celebrities - the kind of schmucks who say things like, "Do you know who I am?!" PV was a nice, friendly little barbecue contest, the way they were meant to be.

Except we sucked. The chicken was the only thing not over-cooked. Some of the ribs looked like they’d been pulled from a tar pit. I’m blaming equipment failure for the most part – thermometers lied to me again. New ones. But it’s still my fault for trusting them.

We should compare pictures from Blue Springs and Pleasant Valley. It’d be a great way to look at presentation. Except I forgot to take any pics at Blue Springs. So we’ll just look at the suckiness off PV.

Chicken: 168.0000. Four 9’s and three 8’s in appearance. At BS, we had three 9’s and four 8’s. Fairly consistent. Only 162.2854 at Blue Springs, where the 168 would have taken third.

Ribs: 149.7140. Two 9’s, three 8’s, one 7. At BS, we had one 9, four 8’s, one 7. Again, consistent. But our ribs scored 160.5714 at Blue Springs. We lost 11 points from one contest to the next.

Pork: 143.9998. Two 8’s, two 7’s, two 6’s. Stinky. Blue Springs scored one 9, three 8’s and two 7’s, giving us a 153.7140.

Brisket: 131.4282. Worst. Ever. Three 8’s and three 7’s, which could have been worse. Fortunately, the taste and tenderness were so awful, we were still able to claim worst freakin’ brisket of the weekend. Dammit. At BS, we had one 9, three 8’s and one 7, total score of 148.5712

What’s it all mean? Well, the meat was over-cooked at Pleasant Valley. Over-cooked is the worst, because besides the taste (this tastes like a briquette) and tenderness (this is like meaty Cream of Wheat®), it’s hard to build a decent box because the meat’s falling apart. Appearance scores end up sucking, too. I mean, look at the brisket. All those sloppy little bits and pieces there needed to come off. Except by the time we got the crumbling slices in the box, we were close to missing the turn-in time. So there they are, in all their crappiness. That's what happens when you over-cook it.

But even at BS, we should be getting all 8’s and 9’s on appearance by now. I mean, after 14 years of wasting lettuce and parsley in these boxes, you’d think we’d have it down. So, echoing Chicago Northsiders yet again this season: Wait ‘til next year.