Gremlin Grill

I don’t know if it has a name. Maybe we should name it. The first that comes to mind is “Death.” I can’t imagine any world where this is healthy. Actually, that’s a lie. I can imagine that world. It’s a wonderful world, a perfect world where the Royals play the Cubs in the Series, and where everyone gets out of my way on the road, and where Keira Knightly and Sara share Cocoa Puffs® while debating over what’s hotter, my beer belly or the gap in my teeth, and it’s a world where pork and sugar and smoke are good for you. So yeah, I can imagine a world where it’s healthy, but “Death” still fits, name-wise.

Here it is – write this down:

* One package of little smokies. Unfortunately, you’ll have to get a lesser brand, because Farmland® doesn’t make little smokies. I prefer pork to beef, but that shouldn’t surprise anyone.
* One pound package of Farmland® bacon – I prefer Honey Maple Flavored, but have had success with Cider House® and Hickory Smoked.
* Brown sugar – let’s say a cup. Maybe more. Maybe less. No, go with more. I like dark brown sugar better, but that’s just me.
* Barbecue Rub – I’ve used our own recipe, but Slabs Stephy Style is the best according to Sara. Not sure if Keira Knightly has a preference.
* Butter – you know: churned cow juice.

Get a 9x13 dish. Well, you know, give or take. Honestly, I don’t care about your dish. Just get something to cook this crap in. But remember, there’s a buttload of pork fat and sugar in these, so be prepared for a messy pan. I’ve used aluminum pan before, but disposable isn’t green, so I use a 9x13 dish and then wash it. Green is good. Although I don’t know how ungreen the gas used to heat the water to clean the dish would be. Then there’s the soap and the processing of that soap. Damn. It ain’t easy being green.

Ok, you need to wrap the little smokies in bacon, but not a whole slice. That’d be crazy. So do this: take one slice of bacon and one little smoky. Start at the end of the bacon and roll the smoky up in it until you have just a slight over-lap. Cut the bacon there, then use that as your template to cut the rest of the bacon. It’s a little less than a third of a slice of bacon per smoky. OK? OK. Do that on each and every little smoky. I put the two ends of the bacon on the bottom, so’s they don’t curl up while cooking. Make sense? Good.

When you get them all in a layer in the dish or pan or whatever the hell you’re cooking it in, cover it all with brown sugar. Wait. I need to make this clear. A single layer. The bacon-wrapped little smokies have to be in a single layer, or you’ll have soggy bacon, and Sara hates soggy bacon. Again, I’m not sure about Keira Knightly’s bacon preferences, but I recommend making it the way Sara likes it. She’s tougher than you and hotter than Keira.

Back to the sugar: cover it all with sugar. I’m not positive, but I think I used at least a cup of dark brown sugar. I’m not fooling around here, people. Ok, now top it all with a nice sprinkle of barbecue rub. The Slabs Stephy Style was perfect, better than our usual pork rub, I reckon, because it’s not as sweet. We have sweet covered with the brown sugar.

Now, pop the whole thing in the oven at 400. Did you pre-heat the oven? Pre-heat the oven. When instructions say pre-heat the oven, do so. The people who create this stuff aren’t just yanking your chain.

Ok, leave it in there for, oh, let’s say 45 minutes. Check it now and then, though, to see if the bacon is done to where you want it. Check it by looking through the glass, not opening the door. Unless your glass is covered with a burnt on layer of carbonite that’d make Han Solo crap himself. God, I don’t even like Star Wars.

Anyway, when it’s done where you want it, this stuff will be sitting in a bubbly gooey glaze of brown sugar and bacon grease sweeter than Lenka, richer than Oprah, and better than anything you’ve ever eaten. Which means you should drop four or five little pats of butter on to – let ‘em melt in there. Just a couple tablespoons. Trust me. You've come this far, you might as well go right over the top.

There it is. The Super Bowl is approaching. You’ll be asked to go to a party. When you ask, “What should I bring,” this time you don’t have to hope the host will say, “Oh, just yourself.” Take this dish fulla death and I promise you’ll be loved by everyone at the party. And most local cardiologists.

By the way, I did not invent this. Got it from Kent and Kelly, the Bacon King and Dip Queen of the universe. And if you’re thinking about turning this in for a sausage category at a KCBS contest, don’t. As we were told at Blue Springs last fall: “You guys were DQ’d because of the bacon. Sure was good, though. Thanks.” There ya go.

Good luck, and good bacon.