Predictably unpredictable
There’s some kind of cosmic force out there that decides when and what we win. Well, it might not be cosmic. I don’t claim to understand how things like luck, fate, karma, providence or two-stroke boat motors work. But something is deciding that when we think we’ve produced an excellent hunka meat, we need to be knocked down a peg. Likewise, when we turn in barbecue that we think is sub par at best; unfit for humanoid consumption at worst, some mysterious force decides to toss some ribbons at us.
That was HyVee 2009. And that’s why I like a good barbecue contest: it rarely goes as expected, it seldom makes sense, and there’s always beer.
The Barry Road HyVee cook-off was damned close to perfect this year. The weather wonks were right – it was dry and windy. Very windy. Sustained winds at 80 knots with gusts exceeding 150 knots. Or something like that. I’m not sure what a knot is. Anyway, it was a beautiful night, we had a nice crowd, the Royals on the radio, an entire grocery store at our disposal, and bitchin’ new team bowling shirts. Everything fell into place for us to do better than we had in 15 years of competing.
Then we started cooking. Late, apparently. Because after a long, windy, beery night, turn-in time came and the ribs were chewy. Excellent flavor, but nowhere near done enough. I wouldn’t say they were like biting in to the sole of an old church guy’s wingtips. But they needed at least another hour.
Brisket was the same way. Great flavor, but not done enough. It failed the tug test. For those of you not familiar with the stupidest of barbecue judging techniques, someone, somewhere decided that a great way to test tenderness of brisket was to pick the slice up and tug on both ends. Why this is a better way to judge tenderness than, say, taking a bite is a mystery. My guess is the person who came up with this great idea thought he/she was smarter than everyone else. He knew that he could come up with a superior method that made him look oh-so-smart to all of his barbecue fans, and maybe when he showed this brilliant method – the jerk your meat method – he’d become an official barbecue judging “Hot Shot.” Which some people think is even better than being a good cook.
I digress. The brisket was delicious, but needed another hour or two.
Ditto my pork butts. One butt wasn’t even close to being done. Thirteen hours on the damned smoker and it didn’t higher than 165 degrees. I think the hog it came from had been fed a steady diet of asbestos. The bone wouldn’t even pull out (don’t you dare say, “That’s what she said.”)
Butt #2, however, was edible. It only got up to about 190 degrees, but it pulled great and was what we in the business like to call, “Freakin’ delicious.” Everyone agreed it was the best category of the day. Which is saying something, because the chicken was good, as usual. The glaze seemed a little thicker than usual, but it was good. It was more caramelized than usual for some reason (the paste, maybe?). Which I liked, but not everyone liked it as much as the perfection that usually is Stoopid’s chicken.
So there ya have it. Pork was great, and therefore it must have finished best, right. Chicken was good, not great, but given how consistently it kicks ass, it should still finish well. Ribs and brisket are a toss-up, but undercooked ribs usually don’t do well at all. Tugging at the bone with your teeth makes judges feel like cavemen. Remember the movie Caveman? That was cool. So anyway, we know how we’ll finish, right?
Nope. Luck, fate, karma, and providence got together to screw with us again. And we’re not really complaining, because chicken came in 6th (Beer for Kent. Again), and the ribs took 7th. That’d put us damned close to the top after the first two rounds of awards.
And my excellent pork? My tender, moist pork? My perfectly pulled, sweetly sliced and gloriously greasy pork? Curse you, luck! Damn you, fate! Bite me, karma! Oh, pipe down, providence! Pork screwed it all up with a 22nd finish.
Brisket got 22nd, too. Like I said: the tug test. Should we taste this? Noooo. Some prick who took the judging class 8 years ago said just tug it, don’t taste it. So pork and brisket dragged us down to 19th over all. Not good.
But we did win for the most money collected for Juvenile Diabetes. Thank you to our guests who contributed.